Impulsive adjective
Acting on an impulse or done without forethought.
Desire noun
A strong feeling of wanting, of wishing, of yearning for something.
I am not an impulsive person.
I am a planner of catastrophic proportions.
I prepare as much, if not more than someone stocking up rations and supplies for the apocalypse. And then, even when I have planned and prepped and prepared for more than I ever needed to, I still won’t go through with what I have formulated.
So, making this blog is an incredibly out-of-character act in some ways.
In other words, I took a risk.
I’ve thought about making a blog on and off for a little while now so, if I’m being honest, it’s not impulsive. But it feels impulsive. I feel I didn’t do enough research, enough analysis, I didn’t spend enough time contemplating all the ways this could go terribly wrong – and all the ways I could clean up the mess.
So, while this may not be the exact definition of impulsive, it is my definition of impulsive.
This is a risk, and not nearly as calculated as my character requests.
And as any human, I have a desire to be heard. Even if it’s just the ether that’s listening, swallowing up every last letter and punctuation mark into its inky depths – I’m still being listened to by something. And please don’t get me wrong – I am listened to in my daily life, and for that I am eternally grateful.
But, there’s something about having a dedicated space to express what begs for expression. It’s been documented since time began – paintings on cave walls, cuneiform on broken tablets, scribblings on rough parchment, and now virtual odes sent into the abyss.
Human nature is all about connection, and this is my form of connecting. To myself, to others, and to the unknown.
For me, making this blog is an act of defiance, of submission, of strength, and of desperation.
I’m defying the part of me that wants to hide and I’m submitting to the overwhelming urge to no longer be hidden. I’m strengthening the part of me that wants to be heard and I’m desperately searching for a reason to not give up and turn back.
So, forgive me for my ramblings. This is, after all, my first time experiencing this life. I’m doing my best.
– B